published in 2014 on my tumblr
I have been living in the shadow of fear my entire life. It sounds like a truism and maybe it is. It also sounds a bit cliché and I suppose it is that, as well. I’ve had a good childhood and a good life. I still do. I have a loving family, I have great friends and a good job. I earn well, I get to travel and go to concerts and read good books and everything is swell. And still, the shadow looms. It creeps in at night and echoes my every thought.
I’ve been afraid of failing ever since I can remember. I know most people have been or are in some form of another, though I doubt that for many that fear has stopped them dead in the tracks from any change in their lives, from taking any chance at all at being who they want to be or doing what they felt like doing.
I’ve been punished maybe twice in my life for doing something bad, but I’ve carried this fear of doing something wrong around forever. Maybe that’s why I haven’t done much wrong, which ironically negates any pride I might take in it – I strongly oppose fear as a motivator. And if all I’ve ever done right came out of fear, here I am wondering what sort of person I am and where i would be if I had more guts, at a point in life when most people have everything more or less worked out.
And also, here I am, walking down the beaten path. Breaking down in frustrated sobs at the realisation that it is this fear of disappointing others, of not living up and of rejection that paralyzes me like the fabled deer in the headlights.
The usual encouragements and pats on the back just add another brick of potential-guilt-if-I-fail to carry, because they are no more than confirmations of expectations. And the sheer fact that I understand and rationalise this and that I am yet stuck in inaction just serves to measure the dimension of that fear. I cannot struggle with it, so I bow to it. Kicking and screaming on the inside.
