published in 2014 on my tumblr
Have you ever not done something that your entire being ached for, because you knew that it would break someone’s heart? Have you ever smiled like you meant it and soldiered on, because you’d (I’d) rather have your (my) soul wither than your (my) conscience crumble?
And as longing after longing is burning away unfulfilled, you (I) shoulder layer upon layer of guilt for every thought you (I) harbor – of running away, of deserting, of saying the final fuck-it-all and closing the door behind you (me). You (I) know you (I) won’t do it, because you (I) cannot be the one to strike the final blow to an old, aching heart that’s already seen and felt too much.
And as these thing go, every time the bull happily tramples away on the precious china, it is blissfully unaware of doing so. Meanwhile, your (my) own frustration exaggerates all these little well-meant gestures to tresspassings of grotesque proportions. And resentment grows and threatens to stifle everything, even the love that prompted the initial choice to protect their feelings at your (my) own expense. And that’s the one path you (I) don’t want to walk down on.
