published in 2014 on my tumblr
Some might argue that it is too early for me to be old and they might be right. On the other hand, thirty two might as well be halfway to death, for all I know. And when you’re halfway there, you’re usually not livin’ on a prayer, as the song goes, but rather living at a good point in time to look back, draw a line and check the direction you’re heading in.
There are lucky people out there who can nod smugly and keep moving in the same direction. There are less lucky people who will frown and decide they need to adjust their course. And then, there are special people (and I’ve always considered myself rather special) who will look and look and look really hard again in order to figure out what their direction actually is, before realising they are pretty much adrift. It’s not exactly shipwrecked, but it would be, if life were an ocean. Is lifewrecked a word? It should be.
And what the hell do you do when there’s no wind in your sails and you have no clue as to where you should be rowing? How do you resist the temptation of closing your eyes and letting the currents take you to where the devil may care? How do you fight the numbness and indifference?
I can’t motivate myself to anything without some real-life carrot to tie in front of my nose and I have no carrots whatsoever. Not even a parsley. I’m pretty sure diving in make-believe realms in one’s own head is not the healthy way, but between controlled fantasy and uncontrolled depression, what would you pick?
