published in 2014 on my tumblr
Any advice from any friend, any therapy from any psychologist, any motivational poster out there will dish out something along these lines – taking matters into your own hands and making things happen instead of just waiting, doubting, procrastinating, fearing the possibilities and ultimately choosing inaction.
If there’s just one personality trait I would like to change about me, I’d like to re-write my coding to be more of a go-getter, with the built-in self-confidence it comes with. Go out, meet people, take action, look for and seize the opportunities, rather than just cower away from the possibilities. Because indeed I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I admire people who calculate their risks (or maybe not) and then just step out into the world and state their intent. And more often then not, roll up their sleeves and claim what is theirs by sheer right of assertiveness. And if they fall flat on their nose, they get up, dust off and move on, another lesson learned.
I am eternally paralyzed by the what if’s in this world and that potential hurt, augmented x-fold by this stupid, stupid, stupid panic of failure. Among others, it makes me take hurt pride very seriously.
I am aware it is an unhappy mixture of personality trait and formal and informal education. It sounds horrible and I feel guilty even as I write it: I would’ve preferred parents who instilled in me confidence and encouraged me to try, fail, try again and make my own way, rather than teach me to be a good girl who never upsets anyone. I also realize it isn’t their fault – they have raised me in their exact image.
And I wish I could just shake off this burden of expectations and this… thing, whatever it is, that I cannot control that still flushes my cheeks when the eyes are on me. I take pride in the fact that my voice seldom falters and I manage to pull off a quite convincing impression of calm and confidence. However, the amount of energy it takes from me, when I am in one of those situations I hate (and they are almost always situations that involve the passing of judgement and approval upon me, even though I consciously dismiss the importance of it) to control myself and ‘perform’ to the standards is huge. And I hate it – hate it – hate it with a burning passion. And whenever I pass (and modesty aside, I tend to pass with flying colors, it’s compulsive behavior), I still feel like a fraud. Because I know the battle that took place inside to pull off what I feel is ultimately a charade. That confident to the point of cocky person isn’t me – the real me is watching the scene mortified from inside, fighting back tears.
I apparently hate these situations even more than the fact that I have been literally sitting on my arse for the better part of my life, apprehensively glancing at opportunities passing by. Because I couldn’t will myself to reach out and grab them.
