published in 2014 on my tumblr
I absolutely hate it when I am feeling so irritable and unmotivated as I am now. Just about the only thing I dislike more is my constant bitching and whining about it. It is not that I do not like my job per se, but the general circumstance of it is shredding my nerves and no, I cannot let go of it all at 6 p.m. It has been going on for a while and it is taking its toll – with no sign of giving me a break till this year’s end.
Milling over it with colleagues, the conclusion is that what is really missing in this job is any feeling of accomplishment. It is ok in itself and well-paid, but in the end, I am just a tiny wheel in a big corporate machine. Whatever I do, it never seems to make a difference. I solve one tiny issue and five other appear, like hydra heads – always more of the same stuff so I just take a deep breath and dive in the mailbox again. I find my being a small replaceable cog in the big machine to be pretty frustrating.
The social and political situation around here is equally discouraging and that’s a whole new depressing chapter in itself. And making a change to either situation is more than only emotionally challenging – it is also, objectively speaking, pretty difficult. My job experience, though varied, is pretty much made up of blah-blah duty – just like my education. And frankly, I very much doubt I am that good at it that anyone else has need of me to do it – especially in another country and another language.
Nevertheless, I am keeping up with my Swedish lessons – even though my motivation is sagging and what started as fun turned into chore. I am once again counting on stubborness to get me through them (this seems to be my prime motivator lately).
So in attempt to kill two birds with one stone, I’ve added yet another long-term plan to my list. So, come autumn, after Swedish classes are done and my two-months work-trip has passed and my August trip to recharge my batteries is over, it is time for step two in my professional reconversion. All the meddling I’ve done with coding and web page design has led me to believe that maybe this is really something I’d like to do. At least I’d see some progress and results at the end of a work day. So my autumn is reserved to learn coding. And hopefully with that, I’ll be able to find something more fulfilling to do for a living – and preferably not within the rather soul-sucking environment of a big company.
