Sights, Sounds & Rants – Page 4 – universeofshadows.me

the prick of envy (and its side effects)

March 23, 2018 No Comments

published in 2014 on my tumblr I learned early on what the prick of envy feels like. It feels like a rose thorn. It was at the end of first grade, I was merely seven and driven by that insane need to perform and outperform and not disappoint, so I had come out top of the class. And during the year end ceremony, the teacher had me stand in the front row because of that, which promptly made the girl behind me prick me with the thorn of a rose in her bouquet. So another layer was added to my […]

It's My Life, Ramblings

the fucks i give

March 22, 2018 No Comments

published in 2014 on my tumblr Sadly, the above photo is just wishful thinking. Nope, I do not have any kinky fantasies involving nuns, not even hotter looking ones than the granny there. I do have a really hot fantasy of myself not giving a flying fuck though. Figuratively speaking, of course, for there are also some fantasies about giving a flying fuck, literally speaking. Major chapter in the Great Book of Obvious coming up: all the stupid mental torment that doesn’t let me sleep at night is pretty real, but also pretty made up – by me, my stupid […]

It's My Life, Ramblings

no pain like this body

March 21, 2018 No Comments

published in 2014 on my tumblr I know that virtually every human being that walked this earth since self-awareness is in trend has probably had some sort of issue with the shell they carry around. No one is ever fast, beautiful, tall, short, slim, strong enough, everyone has had the wrong type of hair or color of eyes at some point. What might have been an issue of survival or mating once, is now a major source of emotional distress and anxiety more than anything else. It seems that the more science and evolution free us from the constraints of environment, […]

Ramblings

rewiring

March 19, 2018 No Comments

published in 2014 on my tumblr According to my rather modest but usually accurate knowledge of psychology (actually, it’s more like an intuitive grasp), the story goes like this: once you identify that you have been programmed to act, think and feel a certain way through education, and even more, when you recognize when and how it happened, you perceive the mechanisms of your own social conditioning. Then you are actually in a position to consciously distance yourself from that training. You can knowingly choose to behave otherwise than ingrained. You can trust your reasoning without second-guessing it, dismissing your […]

Ramblings

adrift

March 18, 2018 No Comments

published in 2014 on my tumblr Some might argue that it is too early for me to be old and they might be right. On the other hand, thirty two might as well be halfway to death, for all I know. And when you’re halfway there, you’re usually not livin’ on a prayer, as the song goes, but rather living at a good point in time to look back, draw a line and check the direction you’re heading in. There are lucky people out there who can nod smugly and keep moving in the same direction. There are less lucky […]

Ramblings

shadows of fear

March 17, 2018 No Comments

published in 2014 on my tumblr I have been living in the shadow of fear my entire life. It sounds like a truism and maybe it is. It also sounds a bit cliché and I suppose it is that, as well. I’ve had a good childhood and a good life. I still do. I have a loving family, I have great friends and a good job. I earn well, I get to travel and go to concerts and read good books and everything is swell. And still, the shadow looms. It creeps in at night and echoes my every thought. […]

Music, Ramblings

i want to reach out and touch the flame

July 12, 2017 3 Comments

It seems like a lifetime ago that I first discovered music through the blessing that was at that point in my life MTV. In many ways, it *is* several lifetimes ago. Like it happened to another version of me. It was a cultural shock of sorts. It not only blasted at me the music and videos of some legendary artists. For many aspects, it was also the first contact I had with the way life was happening for teenagers that had not grown up behind the Iron Curtain. Accepting and embracing wildly different world views is not that hard at […]

It's My Life, Music

feels like home

June 8, 2017 No Comments

In February of 2013, me and a friend first came to Germany for four months – training for our new job. Maybe it would have been puzzling, if not for another friend who had already been in Stuttgart for almost a year and guided our first steps both through the city and our new department. The first adjustment was to the schedule of the stores, which are all closed on Sundays. This was a lesson learned during the first weekend. But you learn to plan ahead and around that. The second adjustment was the annoyingly slow internet. If I were […]

It's My Life, Ramblings

don’t bend; don’t break; baby, don’t back down

May 23, 2017 No Comments

If I were to improve just one thing about myself… That is one of those uncomfortable self-assessment questions that I hate. Because in order to truly answer it, you must look in a really unpleasant mirror. Most of the times, I single out my willpower for the “needs urgent improvement” award. But now that I think of it, it is not really that. I can get my act together, if I find sufficient reason to do so. My real issue is that it’s just a bright blaze that burns out quickly. I am not a long distance runner. I want […]

Rants

damn the government, damn their killings, damn their lies

May 11, 2017 No Comments

There are a lot of different reasons why I left my home country. When I visit my former home (I have very much started to think of this as home now), invariably someone (the old neighbor from downstairs, the lady at the little grocer’s on the corner, or some skeptical co-worker) asks me: “Is it better over there?”. My answer is an unwavering “Yes, otherwise I wouldn’t have stayed.” It was a choice that benefited from a lot of luck, a lot of circumstances and hard work. But never really a choice I regretted. Sometimes you can see a little […]