childhood – Sights, Sounds & Rants

Books, It's My Life, Music, Ramblings, Travel

soul on my skin

August 21, 2020 No Comments

It’s been around five years since I plucked up the courage and got my first tattoo. I have a literal armful in the meantime and plans are in place and designs are decided for the other arm, because hey, I have two. I have had it relayed to me that someone (who apparently does not know me really well) was wondering what had gotten into me that I went and had those ink smudges done, and what is up with them anyway, as me and my tattoos don’t have anything in common. Which I find hilarious, as far as comments […]

It's My Life, Trans Soul Rebel

trans soul rebel (ii): the clothes

June 13, 2019 No Comments

In the time since I have figured what “might be wrong with me” (story for another chapter), I have occasionally dared to look for more information. Sometimes in passing, skimming through links, not really wanting to read the answers to my half formulated questions, sometimes with more determination. Since I have decided to allow myself to think that I am most likely trans (I have yet to speak it out loud), I have looked at various Q&As, checked if there are any local support groups, probed the sea with a finger for reactions and finally ordered some books. One of […]

It's My Life, Trans Soul Rebel

trans soul rebel (I): the toys

June 9, 2019 No Comments

I do not really know where to start. I know the old saying, “start at the beginning”, but that is easier said than done. What is the beginning? I cannot ever remember me as being anything else or feeling any different. Maybe I should start with the toys. My favorite toys were lego bricks, some plushies I loved dearly (a little horse called Johnny, a dog called Blondie whom I lost at a picnic once and a little lion whose mane I cut to make it grow back thicker – that is what they were telling me when taking me […]

It's My Life, Ramblings

when i look in my father’s eyes

June 17, 2018 No Comments

I am absolutely terrified. A deep, primal terror that claws at my stomach at night, and puts a lump in my throat until I fall asleep on a pillow drenched in tears I cannot shed in daylight. I try to picture the moment when I find out you are gone (painfully aware that it might come before I get to see you again) and how it would feel to know that there will forever be a you shaped hole in my world and I cannot. I do not need your help or your advice anymore, I do not even need you […]

Books, It's My Life

10 books

April 6, 2018 No Comments

published in 2015 on my tumblr There is a meme doing rounds these days about the ten books that had the most impact on you. And I see loads of heavy stuff listed there, very serious books indeed. Stuff like Marquez and Dostoevsky and Steinbeck; and I feel utterly unqualified to add my two cents of light-hearted enjoyment of mystery, adventure and wonder. For quite a while I fought the temptation. I gave in with a sigh one evening a couple of weeks ago when I started mentally composing my list. I then wrote it down a couple of days […]

It's My Life

right time, wrong place

March 30, 2018 No Comments

published in 2014 on my tumblr I was born at the beginning of one of the best decades in human history. Sure, you had the Cold War raging for the first half of it, you had the Intifada starting, the war in Afghanistan and the Chernobyl disaster. But you also had unprecedented economic growth. You had the relatively peaceful downfall of one of the most noxious doctrines to hold part of Europe in its grasp. You had the birth of the technology that builds the foundation of today’s high tech society. And due to the economic growth and the social shifts, […]

It's My Life, Ramblings

teenage mutant ninja turtles

March 29, 2018 No Comments

published in 2014 on my tumblr Useless online pop-culture quizzes are a fun thing to do when you find yourself in dire need of procrastinating at work. So when I’m pretty much tied to the office chair but mentally unable to process any more work-related information, I do those to pass the time and numb my brain. My most recent stint of this kind made me find out who I’d be as a Marvel villain or in the Star Trek universe. The interesting one though was the quiz regarding which Superhero team I should be joining. I am certainly glad […]

It's My Life, Ramblings

the prick of envy (and its side effects)

March 23, 2018 No Comments

published in 2014 on my tumblr I learned early on what the prick of envy feels like. It feels like a rose thorn. It was at the end of first grade, I was merely seven and driven by that insane need to perform and outperform and not disappoint, so I had come out top of the class. And during the year end ceremony, the teacher had me stand in the front row because of that, which promptly made the girl behind me prick me with the thorn of a rose in her bouquet. So another layer was added to my […]

Ramblings

rewiring

March 19, 2018 No Comments

published in 2014 on my tumblr According to my rather modest but usually accurate knowledge of psychology (actually, it’s more like an intuitive grasp), the story goes like this: once you identify that you have been programmed to act, think and feel a certain way through education, and even more, when you recognize when and how it happened, you perceive the mechanisms of your own social conditioning. Then you are actually in a position to consciously distance yourself from that training. You can knowingly choose to behave otherwise than ingrained. You can trust your reasoning without second-guessing it, dismissing your […]

Music, Ramblings

i want to reach out and touch the flame

July 12, 2017 3 Comments

It seems like a lifetime ago that I first discovered music through the blessing that was at that point in my life MTV. In many ways, it *is* several lifetimes ago. Like it happened to another version of me. It was a cultural shock of sorts. It not only blasted at me the music and videos of some legendary artists. For many aspects, it was also the first contact I had with the way life was happening for teenagers that had not grown up behind the Iron Curtain. Accepting and embracing wildly different world views is not that hard at […]