identity – Sights, Sounds & Rants

trans soul rebel (vi): the lion’s den

June 17, 2019 No Comments

So… I guess that even though I still have some doubts and even if not mandatory for transitioning, a visit to a therapist would still be in order, I have more or less found my identity. The question is, “now what?”. I can try to ignore the new-found name for the way I have been feeling all my life – for thirty seven years. I can go on as I have until now, I am not doing bad after all. No one ever needs to find out the truth behind my little quirks, I can pass as “normal” and cope […]

It's My Life, Trans Soul Rebel

trans soul rebel (v): nothing wrong with me

June 17, 2019 No Comments

As I said, the closest I had come to describing how I was feeling, was to my desk mate Anna in highschool: like there is a gay guy living inside of me. I still lacked the vocabulary to put a name to it and the knowledge to recognize that I am not really broken in any way. In all the (very often very complexed and serialized) fantasies I had, I found myself slipping into the role of the guy as often as not. Eventually, with high speed internet and a laptop that I could take in bed with me, and […]

It's My Life, Trans Soul Rebel

trans soul rebel (ii): the clothes

June 13, 2019 No Comments

In the time since I have figured what “might be wrong with me” (story for another chapter), I have occasionally dared to look for more information. Sometimes in passing, skimming through links, not really wanting to read the answers to my half formulated questions, sometimes with more determination. Since I have decided to allow myself to think that I am most likely trans (I have yet to speak it out loud), I have looked at various Q&As, checked if there are any local support groups, probed the sea with a finger for reactions and finally ordered some books. One of […]

It's My Life, Ramblings

pride (in the name of love)

July 30, 2018 No Comments

I am still trying to gather my thoughts and organize and sort through them. Like always, I stumble when it comes to the eternal egocentristic question “what does this mean for me?”. For some reason, the Christopher Street Day (the German version of the Pride Parades) takes place here in July. I have a feeling that it is also a lot more political, though it is certainly not lacking in color. Two years ago was the first time I had the occasion to witness the exuberant joy and cheer from the sidelines. Last year I sadly missed it, as it […]

It's My Life

burn

April 3, 2018 No Comments

published in 2014 on my tumblr I like a lot of things. I love some things. And among all my likes and loves, I feel like butter scraped over too much bread (thank you, Bilbo). Like I am dilluting instead of devoting myself to something that makes me genuinely happy. I love traveling, but I have neither the means, nor the temperament to devote myself to it. It is one of the things I do to get away; because as cliché as it might sound, a change of scenery helps calm and clear my mind better than just about anything else. However, unless […]

It's My Life, Ramblings

no pain like this body

March 21, 2018 No Comments

published in 2014 on my tumblr I know that virtually every human being that walked this earth since self-awareness is in trend has probably had some sort of issue with the shell they carry around. No one is ever fast, beautiful, tall, short, slim, strong enough, everyone has had the wrong type of hair or color of eyes at some point. What might have been an issue of survival or mating once, is now a major source of emotional distress and anxiety more than anything else. It seems that the more science and evolution free us from the constraints of environment, […]